It's been the roughest month I ever been through. Right now, sitting downstairs beside the poolside, enjoying the breeze listening to music...

I spent half my day hiding inside my room and cry. Then I realized, he doesn't love me or maybe he's just too tired to love me. Whatever I did was foolish and meaningless. It won't bring back the same old him , no one to blame but myself. Despite whatever that happens, I would still want to be with him but now at this very moment, I have decided to stop loving him. It's too tormenting.


I will do it. I will get better in time. I promise I will.

I have lied to myself enough. Been telling myself, " Amanda, just do it, there's a chance that he will come as so as long he still loves you. Just keep trying."



All I wanted was a chance.



But I can't be selfish right? I can't keep holding him back if he wants to leave. Maybe he will be happier in this way . Maybe he won't be happy with me. Maybe I can't give him the kind of happiness he wants. It's all my fault for this outcome. I hate myself... I really hate myself.


I will never commit again and if I do, I promise myself the next guy, I will give my best shot. I promise I won't hurt him like how i hurt zs. I promise I won't lie to him about anything. I promise I will admit my fault and not argue. I promise I will give in and lastly, lov ehim wholeheartedly.