Met up with old friend yesterday! FEEL SO HAPPY!! WOOO!!!! A NEW BESTIE!!


Today, went out with darren. ROCK.............
Just got home not long.. super shaggggggggggggggggg...

christmas will be with him!! WEE~~

http://www.novus.sg/

SO PRETTY! Then to the flyers after that. Seems like a ideal date to me but it would be if no one is coming along with us. Ok, i won't let anyone. HAHAHAH!!!! DARREN ROCK MY LIFE!

OK, SUPER SLEEPY~~~ TOMORROW THEN CONTINUE UPLOAD!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


PAss u my stupid powers




All grow up liao. Become man!


Bro the best!! peel prawns for me! wee
HUGE RIGHT?

My baby bro!
ahh.. wei rong!
lol JAde
-__-
Zs and me!
Thanks chole!

Kiro and Benji! didn't have a chance to take photo of them. =\


Eugene. Kandy's litte cute bro. haa
Kandy and yenny
Kandy and me!

YES BAEY!
Posing for chicks
God of the night
Derek baey victor eric

Zirca


I LOVE MY BESTIE

Right now, supposed to be at his place waiting for him to come back! the probably go out for dinner. haa! 1st year.

Aynway, it's a FRIDAY!!!!! Time to party tonight baby!

Came home, was pretty down. I miss him though. Whatever I do, i thought of him.. Even though imade new friends, try to move on but, I still think of him. Happy 1st year baby. he might not seee this though but today is the day, I always wanted to be with him. !st year. He promised that he would buy me an enagement ring, he promise me despite what he would marry me but maybe, i scrrewed things up. But if he love me, he would want to be with me despite what.


You know, i truly love him. Like whote heartedly, even thou how cute the guy is, how nice he treats me or whateever he has, zs don't have, it won't work because, i m commited to zs, my heart only has him. It hurts pretty bad now. Even though how much i tried to distract my thoughts away from him but it just don't work. I know he hates me now or maybe, he's prepared to move on or probably, he's happpier with me now. I Can't give him happiness even thou i beg to give it one last try but I would hope to make him happy again.

Right now, the only way to make him happy is to leave him.


I done wrong to him, i wanan make up but i don't know how to. to him, I can never change, to him, i m hopeless bitch, I m shit but to me, he's someone i love.


Someone i m willing to change just the matter of time, i only need him to be paitent and forgiving this time.. just this time but he can;t anymore. I lost him but.. whatever it is... I hope he's happy. I didn't mean to screw things up, I was angry, that he wouldn't give me a chance but i know, it was me who make him give up hope for me but I beg so hard.... just fo another try. He was mean to me, i deserve it but i believe that, our love, deserve another chance, just one last chance, i would do anyhting for him even if i have to scarifice my happines just to be with him, it doesn't matter cause to be with him, that's my happiness.


Happy 1st year anniversary baby. I love you. Even till noww, I still love you like how I always do. Even thou i know, he wont get to see this but.... I love you. I really do. PEople who know me will know, when I am in love, no one can take my love for you away from me. No one.





The fresh pain.....

Mom and dad's argument woke me up.

Normally, would just sink my head into his arms and he would just piak me to sleep.

Hearing her cries, I really don't know what to do. I hope they will be fine.


I have this very bad urge of seeing him but I've to hold myself back. Kept repeating to myself that it's over. Everything is over. He could never love you again, no matter what. It's over.

Despite severing ties with him, I still care about him. Like wonder how is he, what has he done today. Has he eaten? how his back? is he drinking again? Is he not sleeping again? how is he feeling? Did he cover blanket when he's asleep? When he fell asleep, he gets to tired to do anything. Stupid boy. Did he set his alarm? Can he wake up on time? Did he charge his hp?


I miss making milo for him every morning before he left me place for army. I would even get breads for him for find breakfast for him. Used to always fold his uniform for him. Put toothpaste on his tooth brush before he wakes up. Wake him up! set alarm every 5 mins so that tt lazy pig will get his ass of my bed. hee!

Always look at him tie his shoes laces, Hug him and kiss goodbye. then would msg for awhile till he reaches camp then I will go back sleep or sometimes, I can't sleep cause he isn't around to keep me warm.


Sigh. I would want to do all these again for him if I ever have the chance. Makes me feel like a housewife. hehe!



Had mangoes with victor yesterday,

He was like " Wah power. sour one I LIKE!!"
ME " Nice right, it's like sweet and sour! zs cannot take sour mangoes, he only like sweet kinds!"
Victor then went -__________- " why everything you do now, you will think of him or talk about him huh?
ME " Don't know lah.. going crazy. LOVE MAH.."

I can't sleep :( There one part I feel so ease that I almost doze off which was when I picture him lying infront of me. But then I stop as the memories flashes back.


Here I am.. DIE LAH!!! Tomorrow got work...........

Yesterday stayed over at kandy's place. Was irritating her brother the entire night. He's like super cute. Really! and they both definately look alike. Even their seh, when they talk, the way they move their hands etc. Then went 7-11 shopping! hahah


Today, was so tempted to go out but didn't want to cause tomorrow got work! =( everyone is like heading to zouk. Don, jiayi, cass , rapheal , howard , all zouk!! wah lau!!!?


Thought that if i going to zouk, might drop by holiday inn with dinner for jasper but didn't have the chance to. Sorry man! =(

I spent my entire day, watching tv, stuffing myself with sweet mangoes, doing my nails, checking out sites , facebook, making new friends and msn-ing!



Manage to catch up with old friends and make a few new friends today! pretty occupied thou! keke!

Today i catched up with this old classmate of mine , Darren. He's good looking, funny, naughty, playful, ang moh pai, bad boy, rich but definately a player. Used to have this thing for him but then it turns me off when i realized he's those player but until today, after 6 hours of non stop chat on msn, he changed man! he's so different from who he used to be. Totally. Yeah... and WEE! i found a guy whose willing to go waxing with me!!! WEEEE!!!! and yes! thanks to darren, i found christmas plans! This year christmas, i gonna make it the best for myself! dinning at swiss hotel then to the flyers....


Then chat with kim, guess what? she closed her friendster too! just because she finds it annoying. she's like damn cute! i m like so lazy to set up friendster. It's getting boring so now, i frequent facebook! >.< More features to play around with ! Make quite a few new friends today and i found lewis! Who's gonna bring me to the flyer!!!!! *that is if i behaved* -_- wth.




I decided to get a cover up! Wanan get phoenix with lotsa flowers. ^^ yeah.............. can't wait.
When kim's coming back, gonna go on a trip!!!! BINTANNNNNN.........



So many things i can't wait to do!!! screams!!

I miss him.

woke up early today.


Found out what really works to make myself feel better.

- Cry myself out.. Just keep crying.

- Watch funny shows.

- Indulge myself with my favorite food + fruits. *MANGO!

- Don't contact him

- Chat with friends, make more friends

- Play sudoku till I doze off.

- Wake up early so that I will feel tired to think about it or even cry about it.

- Meet up with friends.

- Keep crying if necessary ( because then you will get tired. )




Since it's totally over and there isn't any chance to bring back this relationship so he has already made up his mind, no matter how hard I try.

Decided to just go ahead with my life.

damn, i m like having red eye now. screams.....

It's been the roughest month I ever been through. Right now, sitting downstairs beside the poolside, enjoying the breeze listening to music...

I spent half my day hiding inside my room and cry. Then I realized, he doesn't love me or maybe he's just too tired to love me. Whatever I did was foolish and meaningless. It won't bring back the same old him , no one to blame but myself. Despite whatever that happens, I would still want to be with him but now at this very moment, I have decided to stop loving him. It's too tormenting.


I will do it. I will get better in time. I promise I will.

I have lied to myself enough. Been telling myself, " Amanda, just do it, there's a chance that he will come as so as long he still loves you. Just keep trying."



All I wanted was a chance.



But I can't be selfish right? I can't keep holding him back if he wants to leave. Maybe he will be happier in this way . Maybe he won't be happy with me. Maybe I can't give him the kind of happiness he wants. It's all my fault for this outcome. I hate myself... I really hate myself.


I will never commit again and if I do, I promise myself the next guy, I will give my best shot. I promise I won't hurt him like how i hurt zs. I promise I won't lie to him about anything. I promise I will admit my fault and not argue. I promise I will give in and lastly, lov ehim wholeheartedly.

I feel a tear run down my face.
the pain I feel so deep inside is sharper than any double-edged sword.
So many times of pain, it became dull.
Then there's numbness inside my heart.





Amanda, it's time to let go....

no matter what I did.. how much I tried to prove, he could never bring himself to be with me again. Everything seems meaningless to me now.

Our christmas plan is over. Everything gone. Nothing left....

no matter what I do.. nobody understands my intention; Even thou it's for good

Only people who believes in horoscopic stuff, will understand me because myself, truly reflect scorpio haracteristics and personality - Everything. I m probably one of the typical scorpios..


Scorpio Bitches (Reflects)

They can overplay their hands, however and be over possessive and even cruel and violent, both physically and verbally, when annoyed.

Never forget a hurt or a slight. For the typical Scorpio, forgiveness can be difficult.Much of its knowledge is not easily communicated because it is beyond most people's understanding.
When Scorpios try to communicate what they see, understand, or feel, they are often badly misunderstood.

They then tend to keep silent because the misunderstanding that results from silence is better than the misunderstanding that comes from failed communication
one that will harbor long-term grudges. But Scorpio is also *slow to anger*. If others do not repeat hurts or add insult upon insult, Scorpio is no more vengeful or grudging than any other sign .

She won't choose her friends or lovers lightly; they have to measure up to her high standards. Once you are assured of her love don't worry that it will stray.

As long as you are faithful and keep her happy a Scorpio will almost never betray you for physical promiscuity and for pay you back every kindness you gave her and to people whom she thinks deserving.""

Scorpio is probably the most feared and yet the most revered sign of the zodiac. Most Scorpios would not hurt a fly for they are as gentle, caring, and generous as they can be hard, cruel, and mean.

It really depends how they are treated.This is a sign which demands respect and usually gets it. Scorpions are highly sensitive, emotional creators who are so easily hurt that they cannot bear to show their feelings for fear of being ridiculed.

Scorpios develop from an early age the ability to control such outer expressions of emotion, and remain dry-eyed.

Capable of holding a grudge for the rest of their lives. Scorpio subjects are hardworking, generous, and very determined.

Once they begin a task, they will be dedicated to finishing it.They can become obsessively devoted to a person, a cause, or a project.

Yesterday when i went to find him, we hug again. I was smilling all the way because it's the one of the happiest moment, the truly happiest moment eversince we broke up. I decided that, I have to prove to him that I love him. I have to prove that I can be trust again. I have prove that, it's worth giving me the last chance and in order to prove that, I decided to cut conceal myself away from the outside world. I closed my friendster, my facebook. I gonna delete my msn and changed my hp number.

I know by proving these, he might not come back to me but I just want to prove for the moment that, I can do it.

People who had been there advising me, I would like to thank you. Despite your efforts, I really appreciate alot and I did take your advices but I m just a weakling. People who know me well will know how much I have always commited in a relationship. I commit my entire heart and soul to it. I will give it my best shot.


People who know me, will say " Aiya, go back like last time!! find another sub.. then u will fallfor him and eventually you will get over zs and viola! you get a new better guy!" or " go club lah... you like to club.. go flirt with guy,.. cfm will get over zs" or " come, i bring u to see cute guys, that's what you always like"


I tried... I felt so impotent, I don't even have inteerest in any guy I see now. I cried in clubs. I don't even wanna meet people whom i flirt with becuse i feel weird . It's not the old me anymore.
I've commited too much and i can't back out. I know whether it's if i want to but, it's not easy. It hurt so much that I am willing to do anything to take the pain away.

I will always remember those people those has been there for me. I will always remmeber you. I just need sometime away right now.



If i ever have the chance to repay you people back, i will. I promise.

markie_mok@yahoo.com says: (5:57:18 PM)
if you really love him, you will set him free, what ever makes him happy, if you two were meant to be, then he will come back in the future

markie_mok@yahoo.com says: (5:57:24 PM)
i know u love him

markie_mok@yahoo.com says: (5:57:27 PM)
and i know itys hard

Amanda - I'm letting go. says: (5:57:38 PM)
so i have to set him free?

markie_mok@yahoo.com says: (5:58:25 PM)
yehas, if u love somethng or someone, set them free, and they will find their way back to you

markie_mok@yahoo.com says: (5:58:39 PM)
if they dont find their way back to you, then it wasnt meant to be



So, I guess I have to let him go.

could you love me the way how I love you?

I miss you so much day and night
I can't realise why you're gone
I just think I treat you right
but now I'm again alone

The days without you are so long
these days - without your kiss and smile
and I don't know what I've done wrong
I've been thinking of this for a while

A few questions that I need to know -
why does my heart feel so bad ?
why you could ever hurt me so ?
why can't I get you out of my head ?....

Now I'm standing here alone
with this weight upon my heart
wondering why you're gone
remembering our feelings from the start

In my mind I have all my memories in a range -
each moment spent with you
is unforgettable
but I can't realise what made you change
for me this is just un-get-able

I know I won't pull trough without you by my side
so baby come to me - don't run and hide
The only thing I want is to be with you
please honey - make my wish come true

Don't you know that you make my days count?
And I'm always happy when you're around
it doesn't matter what we do
as long as I'm here with YOU

Author: Layla S.

Why does it have to hurt inside?
Why do I have to cry each night?
I think I have to walk on by...
Cuz I'm starting to lose my sight...

What is it that changed your mind?
Who is it that keeps you blind?
Why did you change so fast?
Did you really have to leave me behind?

I start to think about all we had
And how it turned this way...
I guess I'll have to leave your side,
And turn my face away...

Although my soul will die...
Although my heart will cry...
I've got nothing else to do,
I'm hurt deep inside

But although I'll leave your side,
You'll be always on my mind...
My heart and soul will ache for you,
Every day and every night...

You're my never-ending love,
The love that keeps me alive...
You're the one I'll love forever,
Although it hurts inside...

First post.

Yeah.. finally have the time to Blog. Maybe I just need to write out my feelings. Things haven't been going well for the past 1 year. There's been a lot things happening but the biggest concern is my relationship ; my previous relationship. 5 more days to unofficial 1 year and I felt that, it would have been a year by then. I've never had a relationship that hit a year and I always have this thought that if I ever hit a year with that guy, he's the one.

Initially I thought he was but somehow, I screwed things up. I never wanted it this way, maybe I was too rebellious, maybe I was too stupid or maybe, I should have just cherish the chances he gave me. Sometimes, i felt that, like how people normally say, in an arguement it always take two hands to clap but in our situation, each of us felt that, it's the other party who started it.

when I was young, whenever I get into trouble my dad always remind me that " Trouble don't find you, you find trouble" then i realized that it's true. I should have taken a step back whenever things spark up an arguement instead of arguing. Hence I take my part in the blame, I allow it to happen.


I was too rebellious but all I can say is, I love him. I really do and I really wanna be his wife, spend the rest of my days with him. Even thou if i have to sacrifice my friends and freedom, it just don't matter to me as long I could be with him, just simple me and him, loving each other.


Love
"We may be different but we are also quite alike. I see myself in you and I see you in myself"

Caring
A caring attitude acknowledges one's felt responsibility to respond to the needs of another. Ownself will be affected by their well-being of lack of it.

An understanding Attitude
Means " before I judge you, I will take off my shoes and walk in yours for a while. "

Respect
Acknowledges another person's right , wishes and needs.

Appreciation
A natural reaction to being supported.

Accpetance
Neglecting another's negative being or behavior instead of being reject, but is being favorably received - This is reason to our break up. The reason to why he couldn't accept me.

Trust
Honesty, integrity, reliability, justice , sincerity. - The only that we are almost there... but he just couldn't bring himself to give me anymore.



My birthday, he wasn't even there. Nothing. no msg no nothing. Time will heal but I don't think I could be myself anymore. If I ever have the one last chance again, I would do anything, even if I have to conceal myself from the outside world just to be with him, I will. Even though we have to indugled frequent heated atercation over it, I would still want to go thru because once it ends, we will all be better.


This has been once of the most most painful relationship I ever went through but yet the happiest because I see love and felt loved. Yeah yeah, time will heal but is the healing part, the fresh pain. His sense, touch, smell ; unforgettable. I remember vivdly like it happened yesterday.


If only I know how to express myself in a right way. I want to make him the luckiest guy on earth. Give him my everything... but, he's tired. that's all he could said. Despite how tired, how painful, I would still wanna change things, make it better because I know we can. All we needed is strength to go thru it. I still have strength, I still can do it. I never want to give up.


Every night, I can't sleep, all i did was, kept myself occupied with sudoku or I will just lie there, imgaine he's beside me and cry myself to sleep. You know, I envy people around me who been thru all these and yet they can be so strong. yeah. time.. but how they manage to tolerate the pain?


Whatever it is, i feel lifeless everyday. Even thou I know that, it's over, clearly over, but I still hope for another chance. Still waiting...



"Love is not painful, it feels incredible. The pain and hurt we feel doesn’t come from love, it comes from our doubts, fears, anxiety, perceived rejections, broken trusts, anger, jealousy,"